the connection you are missing
Oct 01, 2026
For six years, there has been something missing from my office.
A door.
There’s a closet, there’s an opening—but no door. So with my son Kenan home for the week, we finally decided to fix it.
Buy a barn door. Put it together. Hang it.
How hard could it be?
I’ll come back to that.
Because maybe there’s something missing in your life too—and you haven’t been able to put your finger on it.
You’re working. Accomplishing. Exercising. Paying the bills. Setting goals. Staying busy.
But something still feels…off.
Before you start changing everything else, check your connectedness.
Research on human flourishing consistently points toward something remarkably simple: relationships matter—a lot. Money, success, attractiveness, IQ, security—none of them can replace rich, deep, joy-producing relationships.
John Ortberg, in The Me I Want to Be, writes about this powerful truth: God uses people to form people.
We were designed to flourish in connectedness.
And that’s important because the opposite—isolation—can affect almost every area of our lives. When we disconnect, discouragement and temptation gain room to grow. We can become increasingly self-focused. Anxiety and loneliness can intensify.
And there’s another side we don't think about enough:
When we disconnect, other people miss out on us.
They get cheated out of the encouragement, love, support and contribution God intended us to bring into their lives.
But here’s the challenge:
Connectedness isn’t the same as knowing a lot of people.
You can have hundreds of contacts and nobody you call when you’re falling apart. You can spend your entire day surrounded by people and still feel lonely.
And maybe you’ve tried.
You’ve tried to build deeper friendships. Improve your marriage. Get closer to your kids. Be more vulnerable.
And it hasn't gone as planned.
Back to my door.
That “simple” project became drilling into cement block, discovering the molding couldn’t be removed, installing the rail, uninstalling it, ordering new parts, filling holes with liquid cement, re-drilling, adjusting and improvising.
We finished at 1:00 a.m.
But we finished.
And that door now slides effortlessly across the opening.
Why didn't we quit?
Because we could see what we were trying to build.
Maybe that's where connectedness begins.
Start with the end in mind.
What would it look like to have two or three people who really know you?
What would a deeply connected marriage look like?
What would change if you stopped waiting for someone else to initiate?
Sometimes relationships require us to re-drill. Adjust. Apologize. Try again. Ask for help. And occasionally fill in a few holes we created along the way!
But don't give up.
That closet survived six years without a door.
You can survive without deep relationships too.
But you weren't created merely to survive. You were designed to flourish.
So maybe the connection you're missing isn't something to keep hoping will happen.
Build it.
Learn how to connect. Learn how to be known. Learn how to give and receive love. Get intentional about building the relationships your life needs.
And if you realize you need some help doing that, let's talk.
This is the work I love doing as a coach—helping people identify what’s missing, uncover what’s getting in the way, and intentionally build a life filled with greater purpose, joy and connection.
Maybe it’s time to stop staring at the empty opening—and start building the connection you’re missing.
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